Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys