Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]