6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
There goes my Valentine鈥檚 Day plans..
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she鈥檚 holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!馃槀馃槀馃槀
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
God: you鈥檙e a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you鈥檙e a bird aren鈥檛 you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can鈥檛 fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don鈥檛 cry don鈥檛 cry don鈥檛 cry.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that鈥檒l kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You鈥檇 think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you鈥檇 be wrong.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If you don鈥檛 think Colorado needs a wall then you鈥檝e never met someone from Wyoming
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he鈥檚 gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: 岽瘁祾恕矢 刷拾岫︶禇
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college