I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.