Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
we did it you guys we saved daylight