Alexa; make it look like an accident
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Respect
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My first son he is wonderful
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.