My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story