Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.