Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
somebody come look at this
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Perfection.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.