Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
This is painfully accurate 😅
#Caturday
Risking my life for fun.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.