My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You Might Also Like
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.