Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.