Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 馃槈
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We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
daughter: there鈥檚 a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me