smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“You’d better run, egg!”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
SCARY COSTUME
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder