You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.