Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me :
All Day At Night
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I forgot how to panic. Help
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]