Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..