Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”