Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind