The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I saw this ending much differently.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree