Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I drew y’all a little something.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.