An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
You Might Also Like
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Donkey Kong sommelier