[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger