Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
a badder mouse
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A drum solo but on your face.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.