Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
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HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.