Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
i spent way too long on this
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”