I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.