Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I think about this a lot
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
he was correct