If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.