Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner