My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
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When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.