i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.