Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
🔦🌙👣
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero