“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Meow
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
IT’S-A ME,
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star