So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.