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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.