Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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Midwest trash talk
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
never compromise your values
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom