Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
is it earth
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets