I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
do horses think humans are hats
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.