I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
good let them take over I have had enough
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
repaired
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
bury ourselves
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.