Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.