1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room