*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”