Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one