[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.