If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?