Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.