Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.