girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said