[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking